


Flirting in Space

by RueStan



Category: Euphoria (TV 2019)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Coming Out, F/F, Fluff, Slow burn bby, possible future smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-27
Updated: 2019-10-13
Packaged: 2020-10-29 13:00:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,789
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20797019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RueStan/pseuds/RueStan
Summary: 'Not today, gay thoughts. Not today.'-It's safe to say Lexi has been having some - interesting - thoughts about Rue these days.She gets some very unexpected help from someone she would have never thought to ask.How is it possible that Maddy, of all people, would be the first to help her be honest with herself?





	1. Are You Bored Yet?

> **RUE**
> 
> don't know if it'll be your scene, lex. sorry. maybe another time

_'your scene'_

Lexi locks her phone and tucks it under her pillow. What does that even mean? What's her scene?

_What kind of vibe am I giving off? _She wonders. Because it's clearly not a vibe that people seem to give a flying fuck about. _Am I boring? Am I fucking boring?_ She hears floorboards creaking under Cassie's feet as she enters their bedroom. Although the curtain is drawn between them, Cassie swears she hears Lexi sigh before pulling the covers over herself.

"Lex?" She calls out, cautiously. It's quiet for a moment, before the sheets twist again.

"What, Cass?" Comes a lethargic response from behind the veil. Cassie peers at the fabric unsurely.

"Are you, like... alright? I feel like I haven't spoken to you in days and we share a fucking room."

Lexi stares at her bedside table and the dust that's collected there. She's glad Cassie asked her that - because at least now she's distracted by just how stupid of a fucking question it is. Part of her wants to tell her how she's feeling, but mostly, she just wants to lie there. And do nothing. Say nothing. But the silence has already lasted too long for Cassie, who has been impatient all day. _Maybe even since the day she was fucking born_, Lexi thinks, before hearing the sound of the curtain sliding open behind her.

"You fucking dead?" Cassie asks bluntly. _I wish._ Lexi could almost laugh, if only she had the energy to.

"Nope." Lexi responds in the sheets. "Still alive, thanks for the concern." Cassie glances down at the time on her phone, and then back at Lexi, already bundled up in bed.

"Seriously? It's, like - not even 9pm." As she starts, Lexi naturally just rolls her eyes. She knows what's coming. "The fuck are you doing in bed right now? It's Friday night - I'm literally just about to head out - are you really gonna sleep right now?" Lexi can't believe Cassie doesn't know the answer to that question already. She should know by now. She's been doing this long enough. The motions mostly stay the same and the pattern rarely differs. Cassie stares at her sister's back, waiting on the response. It comes slower than usual.

"That's a very cool thing to say, Cass. You are very, _very_ cool." She turns her head to face her, but only slightly. "I love that for you." Even when she's being sarcastic, her energy is so low these days it just comes out flat and depressing. Cassie sighs, already making her way towards Lexi's bed. Lexi can tell she's made a mistake- heart jumping in her chest. "Cassie- don't-" In a second, the sheets are yanked from her grasp and she has no choice but to turn and face her sister. Cassie tosses the sheets onto the floor. Lexi's eyes widen. "Are you fucking kidding me? Now I have to do laundry..? Cass, if this is your way of getting me to do stuff, then frankly-"

"Shut the fuck up." The sentence is short and brutally delivered. Lexi lower lip quivers closed almost immediately. "Shut the fuck up and get up. Now please. Before I change my mind." She extends a hand towards her and clicks her fingers. Lexi glances around.

_Note to self, for the 867,866th time: don't be sarcastic with Cassie._

"Why, uh - why would I do that..?" Lexi asks, softer now. Cassie rolls her eyes and grabs her sister's wrist.

"Come on, we're going to see Maddy and Kat."

"Nope." Lexi is already shaking her head as Cassie tugs her upright.

"Yes! Yes, we are-"

"No - no way - nu-uh-"

"Uh-huh-"

"No, Cass..!" Lexi snatches her hand away, sitting at the foot of her bed, looking up at Cassie. Cassie stands, with her hands on her hips.

"Well, what the fuck else are you gonna do? Just sit here and, I don't know.. be sad?" The question takes Lexi aback slightly.

"I'm not being sad." She whispers defeatedly.

"Not like sad-sad, but you know..." Cassie shrugs. She heaves a dramatic sigh, gesturing to Lexi's bed, "This - this is fucking sad, Lex..! You have like, no fun! Literally no fun! You're bored AND you're boring."

_Boring._

This makes Lexi look up. The thoughts come back all at once. _Boring. She's fucking boring._ They do say you attract your fears, after all. Her throat tightens.

"I'm not boring." She retorts. Although it's spoken quietly, Cassie can still hear the hurt in her voice.

"Really?" She knows exactly how to wind Lexi up. She's only been doing it all her fucking life.

"No," Lexi places her feet on the floor, now sitting to attention at the foot of her bed. "Of course I'm not. Why would I be..?" Even though she's trying to act more confident than she is, she's not fooling anyone, not even herself. Cassie smirks, extending a hand back out to her.

"Then join me." It's not a suggestion - it's a challenge - and Lexi knows this. She's been getting good at not giving in to Cassie lately, but -

"Fine, sure." Lexi's voice is slightly high-pitched, clearly nervous, but she tries to play it off coolly. She stands, walking briskly past Cassie's open hand, towards her set of drawers. Cassie grins and turns, heading for the door.

"Cool. I'll meet you outside then, pretty sure they're 'boutta pull up, so.."

"Cool. Great." Lexi responds nonchalantly as Cassie leaves the room.

She rummages through her clothes, thinking to herself,_ 'Simple. All I have to do is find something that doesn't scream: I think I have depression - and - oh - I might also maybe, possibly, definitely, totally be having gay thoughts. Most of the time. Or all of the time.'_

Simple.

Just thinking about it makes her throat burn. Yeah. You could say Lexi's really been kind of going through it lately.

"Cool, cool, cool, cool-" She mutters to herself, nodding uneasily. She would never say it. How could she? When she can barely even think it on her own.

* * *

By the time Lexi emerges from the front door, Cassie is already in the car waiting with Kat and Maddy. They watch her shut the front door behind her and begin walking over. Even her walk is sad. Her whole demeanour screams 'if you ran me over right now, I'd just thank you, lie there, and ask you to run it back real quick'. Maddy cocks her head slightly.

"Is she, like.. fucking suicidal?" Leave it to Maddy to ask the important questions as eloquently as she does. Cassie sighs.

"I don't know.. I doubt it." When she looks back at the other girls, they're staring at her, not convinced. Cassie rolls her eyes, "Look, she's just, like - clearly going through some shit right now.. Can you just fucking play nice..? Please?" See, Cassie can do nice sibling shit sometimes, too.

"Yeah - of course - the fuck did you think we were gonna do?" Kat asks, frowning, although her expression just seconds earlier would contradict the one she has now.

"I don't care, just don't be a fucking bitch."

"I wasn't being a fucking bitch - "

"Not you specifically, I mean both of you - "

"Yeah, well, maybe next time you should - "

The car door opens. They jump, all immediately dropping the conversation and changing their tones entirely.

"Heyyy, Lexiii..!" Fake smiles. Lexi can immediately tell something's up, but she isn't emotionally ready to question what they were talking about. She's not fucking blind, she could see them in the middle of a heated discussion as she approached the car. She gets situated in the backseat.

"Hey, guys.." The response is small, already filling the air with tension. "How's it going?" She tries to break the ice. She can tell by the way that Cassie isn't looking at her, and how uneasy the others are, that something has been said about her. She doesn't know exactly what, but she has a pretty fucking accurate idea. Great. A pity party. Exactly how every teenager loves to spend a Friday night.

Kat and Maddy respond at once.

"It's going good-"

"Feelin' great boo, you know how it is-"

Silence fills the car again.

"Cool." Lexi nods. Maddy awkwardly nods along with her for a moment before pulling out her phone, trying to distract herself. Great. Kat adjusts the rearview mirror, before clearing her throat.

"How, uh.. how about you, Lex? How's things?" She asks, putting the car in reverse.

_Perfect. It's going so, so great._

_Jules left, Rue overdosed. Now Leslie practically has Rue on house arrest and Lexi hasn't seen her since. Oh, and she's been having those thoughts again._

_Like, gay thoughts. Big, gay, GAY thoughts. Unstoppable, ridiculous, super, massive lesbian -_

"Good." Lexi says quickly, nodding again, before her thoughts overtake her.

"Yeah?" Maddy asks, monotone and unbothered. But that may have just been her natural tone.

"Yep." She's still nodding, "So good, actually. Better. Better than normal. And my normal is - awesome. So great." Yes, Lex. Very convincing. Everybody is so convinced. Nobody in the world has been more convinced than they are right now.

Not.

"That's good to hear..." Kat responds slowly, glancing over at Maddy, who is just as equally unconvinced as she is. Maddy sighs, going through her purse.

"Listen," She begins strongly, "We're all bored as fuck tonight. There's no fucking parties or whatever going on - so we were just gonna pull up at Kat's, get a lil turnt, see how the night goes. No solid plans - because fuck it. You down?" The other two girls start slightly grinning. At least Maddy knows how to bring the mood back up, somewhat. Lexi glances at Cassie, who's also smiling, then back at Maddy.

"Uhh.. yeah, sure... Sounds great." As she finishes, Maddy has found what she's looking for in her purse and turns around, handing a flask to Lexi.

"You look like you need this more than I do." She tells her. Lexi holds it almost delicately, like a bomb is about to go off.

"Is this.." She starts unscrewing the cap, "Alcohol?" Lexi takes a whiff. Yep, definitely.

"Girl, you know it fucking is. Don't play dumb. I mean.. you looked like you really enjoyed yourself at prom, so.." Maddy trails off. Kat shoots eyes back at Cassie, exchanging smirks and knowing looks. The girls laugh slightly. Oh, yeah. Prom. Lexi barely remembers it, but she knows she was drunk as fuck. She also knows it felt pretty good, so that's... a plus.

"Yeah, no - totally.." She unsurely takes a sip, and recoils slightly at the sharp taste, coughing once. "This tastes like shit."

"Hell yeah it does." Maddy returns, without batting an eye. "Don't worry about sharing it, though. There's plenty more where that came from. Right, Kat?" As she speaks, Lexi takes another swig. It may have tasted fucking terrible, but it'd be nice to feel the way she did at prom. Open. Confident. Worry-free. Kat says something about her dad's liquor cabinet and how her parents aren't going to be home - but Lexi barely hears it. The taste of bitterness in her mouth is bringing her back to prom, but not in the way she'd initially wanted.

_Jules left, Rue overdosed. Jules left, Rue overdosed. Jules left, Rue overdosed._

_And Lexi had just wanted to ask her to dance -_

_..Nope..! Not today, gay thoughts._

_Not today._

"Yo, you still fucking here or what?" Maddy's voice eventually brings her back into the conversation.

"Hm?" Lexi glances back at her, "What - yeah - of course. I was just thinking." She turns her gaze back to the window again, at the passing houses under the streetlights. Cassie watches her, at least there's some sort of carefulness in her expression.

"What about?" Kat asks. Lexi stares off again for a moment. The moon looks nice tonight. Or, wait, doesn't it always? Lexi can't remember the last time she's thought of that.

"Nothing important." She responds idly. She lets the girls chat throughout the journey, sipping from the flask whenever she gets a chance. Towards the end, she starts to feel that woozy confidence reappearing, and she finds herself talking again. Actually contributing to conversations. Maybe even - smiling.

Only slightly - but still, she's smiling. It's only the beginning of the night, though.

Although she has no idea what to expect - but her expectations could _never_ match up to what _actually_ happens in a matter of hours.

She doesn't even _know_ how unprepared she is for what's to come.


	2. I Think I Need A Cigarette

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Turns out, a little bit of alcohol goes a long way.

Time passes faster when you're drunk.

After a few drinks in Kat's bedroom - voices have grown louder, and the tension has seemingly dissipated.

"So, you're telling me you wouldn't?" Kat stares in horror, with her phone held up to Cassie and Maddy's faces. They both shake their heads.

"No." They say, in sync. Maddy brings her glass of gin and tonic to her lips as Kat continues.

"Are you kidding me? He's fine as fuck-"

"Not my type." Cassie murmurs, shaking her head. Maddy swallows hard and places the glass down on Kat's bedside table.

"Bitch, he's barely _a_ _type_-" As she begins, Cassie casts a look back at Lexi, and they're both laughing. It feels good to laugh. Maddy goes on, "He's barely a fucking person- just an asshole in the shape of a human-"

"What? For real..?" Kat protests, although slightly laughing herself. The room radiates with classic, red, alcohol-glowing faces.

"Besides, aren't you dating Ethan?" Cassie retorts jokingly.

"Yeah, but that doesn't mean I can't comment on an attractive guy..! And he's attractive..!" This is right about when Kat starts scanning for Lexi's expression - and Lexi immediately tenses up.

_Don't ask, don't ask, don't ask, don't ask, don't ask -_

"Lex, thoughts?" Kat rolls onto her side, extending the phone up to Lexi's face. Lexi looks at the lit-up screen.

Well. He's definitely a person. A person with features. Attractive features? No idea. Maybe. Objectively? Probably, kind of.

_It would help if he looked more like a woman._

She peers at the face for another few seconds before finding herself nodding.

"Yep." She finally mutters. Kat looks back at Maddy and Cassie triumphantly- before Lexi speaks again. "Maddy's right. Just an asshole in the shape of a human." She repeats. Maddy claps her hands and points a sharp nailed finger at Kat.

"See? I fucking told you, you bitch-" As the two go on for another moment, Cassie watches the grin as it slowly fades from Lexi's lips. Something still isn't right. She's having a good time - they all are - but she can tell something is still on Lexi's mind. She isn't sure what. And is also isn't sure this is the right time to bring it up. So naturally, she just stands, taking her glass with her.

"I'm gonna get another drink. Got any empties?" She asks. Lexi looks down at her glass - nope, she's good. Drunk - but good. Still got a few good swigs in there. Kat and Maddy break from the conversation, checking their own drinks.

"Fuck - I do," Kat grabs her glass and pushes herself out of the bed. Cassie smiles as Kat follows her to the door. "One sec," Kat looks back at Maddy, "We're talking about this when I get back. This isn't over." She teases.

"Fine by me," Maddy smirks, tapping her nails on her glass. "Clink-clink, bitch." A short exchange of laughter, and the two girls out of the room. Maddy and Lexi sit in silence for a moment before Maddy's gaze falls upon her. God, she's terrifying. "It's cool to see you not looking, like - fucking manic depressed every now and then, you know." Maddy says after some time. Lexi nods, half smiling because she's drunk - and half because she kind of agrees with her too - despite how Maddy put it.

"Thanks. Good to hear." She returns softly, not meeting her eyes. Maddy watches her cautiously. There's something horrifying about being watched by Maddy. Kind of like you're about to get knocked the fuck out at any moment.

"So you admit it, then?" The question sets off alarm bells in Lexi's head. But she knows that can't be what Maddy's talking about. Surely not... _Surely not gay stuff._ Definitely not the gay stuff... Right?

"What?" Lexi asks softly.

"That you're, like - manic depressed." Oh. Better than the gay shit, in all honesty. Lexi gulps and sits there a moment, shrugging. She can hear Cassie and Kat's drunk laughter from downstairs.

"I don't know." She honestly, shrugging. She goes in for another sip, still refusing to make eye contact.

Then, Maddy asks it.

"Is it because Rue?" Lexi instinctively draws her lips away from the glass when she hears the question - there will be no 'comical spitting-out-drink in shock' moment here today. 

_Because of Rue... like...? As in...? Having a crush on Rue? Wanting to do gay stuff? Gay stuff with Rue? Is it the gay stuff? _

Then Maddy adds, "Because of the overdose?" _Oh... thank fuck. Well, not thank fuck for the overdose, but - listen -_ _fuck._ Lexi's thoughts are overlapping again.

"Umm.." Her brow furrows in confusion. "Well, it - it's not that.. I, uh - it wasn't-" Maddy's expression starts to soften. There's something about Lexi's change in demeanour that makes her cool it with the aggressive line of question.

"You don't have to answer." She says suddenly. The unexpected empathy surprises Lexi slightly. It gives her a moment to clear her thoughts again. Lexi sighs and starts bringing the drink back up to her lips again - because the best thing she can think of is, chasing honesty with a bit of alcohol. And the honesty was coming, a lot faster than she'd hoped.

"I just think there's something really fucking wrong with me." And **_now_** it's time for the alcohol. She drinks quickly - even quicker than she realises - until the last bit of ice hits her lips and she pulls back. When Lexi sets the empty glass aside, she finds Maddy staring at her. Differently. Like, not in a 'I'm about to strangle you if you say the wrong thing' kind of way. It's nice. She's _listening_.

"How come?" It's weird hearing that kind of tone come from Maddy, but it does anyway. Alcohol is a strange thing. Lexi just shrugs again.

"I don't know." She's not sure how many times she's said that tonight, but she has a feeling it's not going to stop here. "I just feel like... I've been getting these... thoughts - feelings... and I don't think I can stop them anymore, and - honestly.. I'm not sure if I'll be able to." God, where is the drink when you need more drink? Ice is a sad picture. You can't just drink ice at a time like this. The weight shifts on the bed and Lexi finds Maddy now sitting closer to her.

"Are you, like..."

_Don't say gay, don't say gay, don't say gay, don't say gay._

"Suicidal, or some shit..?"

_Um, wait... Is **this** better than the gay stuff?_

Lexi isn't so sure anymore.

"No." Lexi shakes her head. It's true. She isn't suicidal. But she can totally see why Maddy doesn't look convinced. She just now feels the stinging in her eyes, but she can tell it must've started awhile ago.

"Is it because of a guy?" Maddy asks curiously. Lexi suddenly, and quite literally, laughs in her face. _Oh, God, Maddy... Baby, no- what is you doing?_

"No." Lexi says again, more confidently this time. And it's also still true. "Definitely not." She feels calmer now, better than she did literally seconds ago. The edging threat tearing up starts to evaporate. She blinks the previous tears away. We only got dry eyes in this house, baby.

But, then again - this is the real world. And nobody can have nice things. Maddy, who's expression hasn't stirred even slightly since approaching the bed, pauses for a moment. She's reading her, but Lexi doesn't even know it yet.

Not until she opens her mouth, catching Lexi entirely, and wholeheartedly, one hundred percent off-guard...

"Well, fuck it - _is it because of a girl?"_ Maddy asks, totally unwavering.

In a matter milliseconds, the entire Earth dies.

It was nice knowing you, shithead planet. Who knew ten words would combust an atmosphere so quickly - and so swiftly - with complete control and ease?

Also... how long as Lexi been staring blankly into the unchanged, almost dead, eyes of Maddy Perez? Because nothing - no amount of words can follow those ten. _Is it because of a girl?_

Because she's just fucking asked it. She asked about the gay shit. It's there. The question. It happened. How much time has passed, again?

"Jesus fucking Christ, Lex..." Maddy's voice brings Lexi back into the real world.

_Oh, the entire Earth didn't die? Shame._ _Definitely in the top ten most disappointing anime endings of all time._

Lexi blinks. The stinging is back. Fantastic. The night just keeps getting better. When she refocuses on Maddy's face - she can see that her expression has finally changed.

Into... _realisation?_

** _No._ **

Now that can't be good.

Maddy's lower lip quivers open, and she speaks quietly for what seems like the first time ever.

And then.

She fucking says **_it._**

_"Are you, like, a lesbian?"_ Oop - there it fucking is. Hearing the words out loud - Lexi would've rather thrown herself out the window - plummeted head first onto the driveway - only to be run over by an unsuspecting, passing driver - and then set on fire. _Repeatedly._

She fucking said **_it._** As they look at each other for another moment, the sound of laughter and stumbling approaches the bedroom door. Kat. Cassie. Lexi immediately tears her gaze away from Maddy's eyes, heart pounding in her chest. She grabs the empty glass in one hand and her jacket in the other. She then says something she's never said in her entire life -

"I think I need a fucking cigarette." She's never even smoked a cigarette before. Maddy peers at her.

"Lex, you've never even smoked a cigarette before." YES, e_xactly._ Lexi turns away from the door as it opens, and in comes Cassie and Kat, each with another drink in their hands. And also a bottle. Lexi's busy trying to find a - oh, there it is. Camel Blues. Filthy fucking cigarettes. Cheap, gnarly - generally brutal throughout, to the core. That'll do that trick. Thanks, Kat.

"Sorry 'bout that, we got distracted by doing shots - y'all want shots?" Kat asks, laughing, raising the bottle. Kat and Cassie look at Maddy, but... Their laughter just about begins to fade. They're too drunk to see just how tense the room is - but not drunk enough to stop being hyped about shots. Lexi is quickly putting on her jacket in the corner.

"Guys..?" Cassie mutters, starting to read the room, "Shots?" She reiterates, although she doesn't sound so confident anymore.

"I'll bite." The phrase may have come from Maddy's lips - but it doesn't sound like Maddy. That's when Cassie and Kat feel it. And that's also when Lexi finally turns around with her empty glass, Kat's packet of Camel Blues and a lighter. She looks like she's seen a dead body.

No, she looks like she's seen her _own_ dead body.

"I need a fucking cigarette." She murmurs again. Lexi doesn't look at either of them. Listen, the lady needs a fucking cigarette.

"Since when do you...?" Cassie doesn't get a chance to finish, Lexi has already raced past her before she can continue. She pauses for a moment, and then slowly turns to glare at Maddy as Lexi's footsteps storm the hallway outside.

"What did you do?" The accusation is whispered, low and hushed.

"I did jackshit, that's what I did-" Lexi can still hear them but only for a moment. She's already headed down the stairs.

She fucking said_ **it.**_ Holy shit, Maddy fucking said it. She knows. How many other people know? Just Maddy? There can't be others, can they? She snatches a bottle of brandy from the open liquor cabinet before barging through the rear garden doors. She stops in her tracks the moment the night air hits her. It's pretty out tonight. The door shuts behind her. And then silence. Just the hum of crickets and the wind in the grass. She just stands there. Not smoking, not drinking. Just shivering under the moonlight. Her eyes are wide, red, glistening. Mouth agape, like she's about to speak. But nothing comes. Not yet.

It starts as a small, hitch in her breath. It's only tiny. You wouldn't be able to hear it - what, with the wind and crickets - all come alive at night. But the hitch is the catalyst to what happens next. Her lips twitch, almost like she's about to smile - but it certainly doesn't happen that way. When her eyes shut, the first set of tears fall. Her features twist into pain. She brings a hand up to her mouth, almost as if to silence herself. Is this a panic attack? Is she having a panic attack? How do you know when you're having a panic attack?

"Fuck-" Lexi breathes, sitting down on the steps hard and disorientated. So much so that she misses the first step and slips onto the second one with a painful thud. But it isn't as painful as this. She sets the bottle and cigarettes down and shakily brings both of her hands to her face.

_She fucking said it._

The next time she inhales it sounds like a desperate, drowning gasp for air.

"Fuck..!" She breathes, clutching her chest. No, _really_ \- how do you know when you're having a panic attack? She feels dizzy. How quickly is she breathing? Faster than normal, sure. But is it too fast? She wipes her face. Soaking. How long as she been crying? Was she crying in the bedroom? The hallway? Stairs? When did it start? All she knows is... _"She said it..."_ The whisper that comes out drips with a deep-rooted, guttural pain. The back of her skull hurts - behind her ears - it probably has something to do with her nails digging into her head. Yeah - no - that's definitely it. "Fuck..!" She murmurs again, the tears keep coming. It's useless to wipe them away now, they aren't stopping anytime soon. She has no idea how to make them stop.

She grabs the cigarettes. She's fucking shaking. Her thumb slips on the lighter, over and over. The lady wants her cigarette, please. The flame finally sparks - crossing over the tip of the cigarette as her hands tremble wildly. The tip of the cigarette glows and she drops the lighter, inhaling deeply, and then coughing right after. Yeah, no, cigarettes suck. But alcohol doesn't. She pops the cap off the brandy and drinks straight from the bottle. Revolting. Never mind, alcohol sucks too. You just can't win. Back to the cigarette. There's no coughing this time round, she stifles it, making a small choking sound. Still crying, but at least there's distractions this time. At least she has a chance to be all by herself and-

The door opens behind her. She jumps, absolutely terrified.

"FUCK-" How many times has she said 'fuck' again? It's Maddy.

"Holy shit, Lex, it's just fucking me-" Maddy quickly closes the door behind her. Yeah. Just Maddy. Maddy who said it. Maddy who saw you. Maddy who knows. Maddy who turns around, stepping towards her. Lexi immediately stands up, dropping the cigarette, backing away from her. "Jesus, I'm not gonna fucking hurt you, what the fuck..?" Maddy glares at her, wide-eyed. She's petrified. Lexi is literally petrified. She remembers the existence of movement. She knows she has definitely moved before, at least once in her lifetime. But movement doesn't seem to really exist momentarily. She's just staring at Maddy, wondering what she's going to do next. But then Maddy speaks, finally. "Yo, you look like you're having, like... an actual fucking mental breakdown right now." Never mind, Lexi remembers how to move again. She turns away from her.

"Fuck off, Maddy-" She scans the floor, soon finding the escaped cigarette. It's still lit. Good. Because she isn't sure if she can go through the lighting process a second time. She presses it to her lips, inhaling deeply again. She's not looking at Maddy. She can't. But, Maddy is looking at her.

"So, you're kind of, like.. what? Homophobic?" She asks. Lexi reels her gaze back towards her, thoroughly confused.

"What? No?" She exhales smoke, "Why would I be-"

"Because last time I checked, I asked if you were a lesbian-"

"-Maddy, _don't-"_

"-and now you're out here, acting like you have a split fucking personality disorder!" Maddy's voice raises slightly, and it makes Lexi grow nervous again. She glances up at the light radiating from Kat's bedroom, then back at Maddy.

"Shut your fucking mouth." She whispers, deadly serious. Maddy's eyes are still harsh, but Lexi can see that Maddy hears her, loud and clear.

"Then what is it?" Maddy asks, speaking normally again. Lexi thinks for a moment. What is it? Even Lexi doesn't know. What the fuck is it? Maddy beats her to it. "You ashamed or some shit?" Okay, when she puts it like that... Lexi swallows hard.

She doesn't mean to be. She knows it isn't shameful, but... why does it _feel_ like it is? Talking right now would be a mistake. Lexi just nods, jaw clenched tight. Maddy folds her arms, leaning against the back porch. "For real? Lex, it's like.. 2019... I swear, like - half the school is fucking gay."

"Well, that's just.. not.. statistically possible..." Lexi takes a drag of her cigarette again. Maddy stares at her with disbelief.

"Yo, but like - actually..?" It seems like Maddy stops speaking midway- but she's done, the sentence is over. Lexi waits for a moment before picking up where she left off.

"Actually what?"

"Are you, like actually ashamed..?" Oh. That. Lexi thought she already answered that question. She just sighs deeply. She can't believe she's having this conversation with fucking Maddy, of all people.

"Wouldn't you be?" She whispers. To her surprise, Maddy is shaking her head.

"Fuck no." She laughs. "Bitch, who hurt you and made you fucking homophobic?"

"I'm not homophobic- I'm fucking gay." Lexi doesn't realise what she's saying until she's said it. Her eyes widen, features melting into shock. Okay. Now _she_ said it. But Maddy looks like she's somewhat pleased at the result. Admitting is always the first step. Probably.

"So, what's the big fucking issue then?" She asks, still slumped against the porch. Before Lexi can respond, Maddy clicks her fingers at her. "Share." She gestures to the cigarette. Lexi cautiously steps forward once and reaches out to Maddy - who snatches the cigarette right out of her hands, placing it in her own mouth. She takes a long drag, waiting for the response.

"I guess I'm just scared." It's about damn fucking time.

"About what exactly?" Maddy retorts, eyes narrowing again. Lexi pauses.

"Why do you _always_ do that?" She isn't sure why she asks, but she's always wanted to.

"Do what?"

"Sound like you're about to beat the shit out of someone."

"Bitch, I AM! I'm 'boutta beat your fucking ass if you don't start showing yourself some damn respect!" It's not the response Lexi was expecting. She's actually taken aback by it. But she isn't mad about it. She watches Maddy as she smokes the last of the cigarette before tossing it into the dirt. She steps on the last of its ashes, twisting it under her heel.

"Why does it matter?" Lexi asks, softer again. Maddy looks back up at her.

"You're my bestfriend's sister."

"So..?"

"So you're my friend too, dumbass." Maddy says everything like it's obvious. Well, sometimes it isn't. In fact, she's almost impossible to read half the time to people who don't know her that well. "You think anybody up there is gonna fucking judge you because of who you want to have sex with?" She almost laughs.

"Well, I don't - really want to have sex with anyone, in particular." Lexi murmurs, lying through her teeth. Maddy can tell. She's not a total fucking idiot. She eyes Lexi for a moment before taking a seat on the steps, picking up the brandy.

"Who is she?" Maddy asks, almost mischievously, smirking. Lexi feels a hint of a smile flicker onto her lips. Why does being honest feel... good? Who would've known? The art of being honest - don't knock it 'til you try it.

"That's not - it's not important."

"Mmhhmm."

"It wouldn't - you know - it would never happen anyway. She's interested in someone else, so..."

"Is it Rue?"

Holy _fuck,_ Maddy. Lexi stands there. Literally just staring at her for a moment. Maddy gives her a knowing look, taking a swig of brandy. She doesn't even flinch. "I fucking see you. I see that look." The teasing, it's.. nice? It's nice to have friends that.. know? This is all very new for Lexi. She just turns and takes a seat on the porch next to Maddy, bringing her knees into her chest. "So?" Maddy enquires, eyebrow raised.

"So?" Lexi repeats in return.

"So, like, have you told her?" She knows Maddy has a point, but Lexi immediately starts shaking her head, laughing slightly.

"No - no way - not a chance. She's like - in love with Jules."

"Okay, but Jules fucking skipped town and Rue almost fucking killed herself again, so-" Maddy only stops to take another sip of brandy. Lexi feels a pang in her heart hearing about what happened to Rue, she hates hearing it. No matter how many times it's happened, it always hurts the same. Maddy passes the bottle to Lexi, who takes it gladly, drinking from it herself. "You need to, like, woman the fuck up, Lex." When Maddy says this, Lex pulls away from the brandy, chuckling to herself.

"Nah, it's not-"

"The fuck you mean 'nah'? Lex, if you don't tell her - and Jules comes back - your chances are out the fucking window." She tells her. Lexi sighs, rolling her head back to look up at the night sky. "Girl, you know I'm right, too." Maddy ends, as matter-of-factly as always.

"Yeah," Lexi murmurs, almost to herself, "I know." It's true. She knows it is. But... some things are better left unsaid, right? There's a time and a place for everything. And they've been friends for too long for it to all fall to pieces over a stupid, idiotic - wholesome, deeply invested - crush... Oh...

"You can fucking do it. Just go ahead. Just be like, 'yo, Rue. You dress like how depression feels but I fucking love that about you'," As Maddy talks, Lexi finds herself smiling, "Like, 'let me get up on that, I wanna be all up in that', you know what I'm saying?" Maddy gestures for the brandy again, and Lexi passes it to her, still grinning.

"Yeah... I don't really know if that kind of approach is something I can, like... pull off, without sounding deeply unnatural... you know what I'm saying?" Lexi mirrors the last sentence. And she rarely ever sees it - but Maddy kind of smiles a bit - pulling away from the brandy.

"Just fucking - kiss her. Just fucking do it. Then she'll be all like, shit... that's what I been missing?" Maddy's so confident - but it just makes Lexi laugh.

"Yeah, that's not - that's not gonna fucking happen. I'm not doing that."

"Why not?"

"Because, I-" Lexi stops herself. This is about to get embarrassing. She sighs. "Give me the brandy back."

"No, I just got it-"

"Fine." Lexi purses her lips together. If she tells Maddy this, she will probably never hear the end of it, and regret it for the rest of her life, but... Being honest - it's good, right..? "I've only kissed, like... two people." She can already see Maddy's eyes widening in disbelief. "One being Tucker Blake, which was like - barely a kiss - it was like 2 seconds. Second being Rue - who was the one who tried to _teach me_ how to kiss Tucker Blake- and I freaked out." At the last sentence, Maddy cocks her head slightly.

"Wait, so you've already kissed her? You've kissed like two people, and she's one of them?" She almost laughs.

"Yeah, well, that was ages ago - and it was to practice _for Tucker,_ so-"

"So what are you fucking waiting for?" It's a good question. Like, probably too good of a question. Because Lexi doesn't have an immediate answer. Her mouth opens to speak, but nothing comes out. Maddy just gives her a knowing look. "Seriously, what are you waiting for?" She asks again.

"I don't know!" Lexi eventually blurts out. This time, it's Maddy who extends the brandy back to Lexi. She takes it back, leaning on the steps, shaking her head slightly. "I don't know." She repeats, sighing. "I've never properly kissed anyone, and I'm sure she's kissed Jules, like, a few times by now-"

"Just stop fucking talking about Jules." Maddy groans. "She's a great girl - literal angel - I fucking love her to pieces - but we're talking about Rue here. And not gonna lie... I really don't see them working out."

"No?"

"Nuh-uh," Maddy shakes her head. "Rue needs stability. You think Jules running 'round skipping town is stability? Baby, please." Lexi stays quiet for a moment. And then she drinks from the bottle again. This whole honesty thing, it's pretty fucking awesome. "Here-" Maddy turns to her, reaching for the bottle.

"But you only just gave it back to me-" Maddy doesn't listen. She takes the brandy right out of her hands again and places it far from them on the side. She faces Lexi. "Fucking kiss me." The moment the words leave Maddy's lips, Lexi leans back slightly, completely off-guard.

"What?" She utters, unsure if she even heard her correctly.

"Just fucking kiss me. Pretend I'm Rue." Maddy is ridiculously casual about it. Lexi pauses. She looks up at the light from Kat's bedroom, and then at the rear garden door, then back to Maddy.

"Umm.. uh-" Lexi swallows hard. Maddy sits on the step, staring at her, unamused.

"Really, bitch? You want to kiss someone who looks like a pile unwashed fucking laundry but not me? I'm fine as fuck-"

"No! No, you totally are - it's not that - it's just..!" As Lexi is talking, she notices Maddy is laughing slightly. Oh. A joke..? One of those? She glances at her, head tilted. "Wait... aren't you, like, also... straight?" She asks. Maddy just shrugs.

"Yeah, kind of. I don't know. But, like, obviously I've kissed girls before. I just don't think about that shit."

"What shit?"

"I don't know - sexuality - just whatever happens, happens, you know?" How is it possible for someone to be so chill about everything? Yet simultaneously seem as though they're about to commit homicide at any moment? Lexi sits quietly, thinking.

"No," She murmurs finally, shaking her head, "I don't really know." It's true. She doesn't know. That's never been Lexi's attitude. She's always been an all in, or all out, kind of girl. She's never been necessarily fluid. She likes women. And who would've thought becoming friends with Maddy would help her come to terms with her insane gay panic. Maddy just grins at her, with some mischief in her eyes once again. There's something funny in the air tonight.

"Come here." She orders softly. Lexi doesn't. She just looks at her, slightly confused. Maddy laughs faintly. "Come on- get your ass over here-" She gestures for Lexi to come towards her. Lexi isn't sure if it's Maddy's confident personality that makes her do it, or if it's the fact that she feels like she has another friend in her life who she actually thinks is - kind of cool? But nevertheless she finds herself moving towards her. Maddy places a soft hand to Lexi's cheek. Her nails are sharp though, but not painfully, not at all - Maddy is barely applying any pressure to her skin at all. She rubs Lexi's cheek with her thumb once. The brief contact makes her heart jump. For no reason except anxiety, really. She has no romantic feelings for Maddy - and vice versa. But she's starved for contact, and very intimidated by her, especially right now. When Maddy moves towards her under the moonlight, Lexi can't help but think about how pretty her new friend is. She's gorgeous really. She's a fucking bitch - but she's a beautiful bitch at least. "You're gonna look at Rue, real close - and you're gonna kiss her, okay?" Maddy tells her.

"Okay." Lexi speaks quietly, just nodding.

"And you're going to fucking kiss her like this, alright?" Oh... So this is actually happening now..? It's like Rue and Tucker all over again.

"Alright..." Lexi murmurs nervously. Maddy, for the first time ever, moves carefully. She leans towards Lexi - who can barely believe this is actually happening -and cautiously connects their lips. Lexi tenses immediately. Sure, she's no Rue - but this is the first girl she's kissed since coming out, like - five minutes ago. And she thinks she might even kind of trust her. Kind of. She shuts her eyes, leaning into the kiss.

Imagine if it was Rue. God, she wishes. She really, really, really wishes.

She thinks of holding her in her stupid, but oh-so wonderful, big hoodies and baggy shorts. She feels Maddy's tongue in her mouth, and eagerly meets it with her own.

_Rue, Rue, Rue, Rue, Rue..._

Lexi instinctively places a hand to Maddy's cheek, and she feels Maddy's own arm slide behind her neck. She's no Rue - but she's something. She's a great kisser, Lexi knows this much. Maybe it's the alcohol, or maybe it's because Lexi's thinking about Rue just a little bit too hard - but she places a hand on Maddy's inner thigh. Maddy breaks away, looking at Lexi, surprised.

"Excuse me, bitch, I said kissing not fucking." She teases. Lexi removes the hand from her thigh.

"Sorry, I - I don't know what I was thinking-"

"Really? You don't know what you were thinking? You sure it wasn't about Rue?" Maddy murmurs. The arm around Lexi's neck slips away. Lexi grins, cheeks growing red with embarrassment.

"I, yeah - sorry-" She isn't even going to try to excuse herself. At this point, she's pretty sure Maddy is a fucking mindreader. Maddy is so fucking casual. She just leans over and picks up the brandy again.

"Lexi, can I be real with you for a second?" She grumbles, half-assed. Even if Lexi says no, she'll tell her anyway. And they both know it. Maddy takes another sip right out the bottle.

"Sure." Lexi responds, knowing she's going to get honesty either way. Maddy just looks back at her.

"You're going to be fucking fine." She says. Lexi opens her mouth to speak but Maddy beats her to it again. "Just fucking do - _exactly_ what you did just now - and you're going to be just fucking fine. Trust me." Maddy tells her. Again, she is literally just an all-knowing, all-seeing void on this fucking planet. Lexi is about to speak again, but, "Lex - trust me. Seriously." It really is like Maddy can read her mind. Lexi just sits back, and looks out over the garden. The two are silent for a moment until Lexi finally gets a chance to speak her mind.

"Can I be real with _you_ for a second?" Lexi mimics, without turning to her. Maddy rolls her eyes, passing the bottle again. Lexi takes it.

"Sure, but I really don't fucking care." She grumbles. Lexi smiles at the sentence, nodding slightly. She glances at Maddy.

"You're a good friend." She tells her. Maddy almost pauses. Could it be..? Maddy Perez taken aback by something for the first time? Maybe so. She tries to hide a smile.

"Yeah... I know, bitch. I'm fucking sickening." Maddy always seems like she has an abundance of confidence at all times. Lexi only just now begins to admire that. It's nice to have friends.

It's nice NOT wallowing in self pity all the time.

* * *

When Maddy and Lexi eventually head back upstairs and rejoin the others - Cassie keeps a watchful eye on her sister, searching for the pain and distress that she saw just moments earlier. She's relieved to find that it's gone - for now at least.

She's smiling, Lexi is. Laughing. Joking. Drinking, having a good time - _being a teenager._ It eases her worry, even if it's just for a moment.

She wonders what Maddy must've said to her outside to make her come back in.

But she's equally curious about what Maddy must've said to _make her _go outside in the first place.

"Cas?" She turns her gaze to find Kat, who has a shot ready for her. She takes it, thanking her. All four of them cheers together and down the shot. Afterwards, Cassie looks up to see Lexi wincing at the taste. Cassie grins - and Lexi catches it - slightly laughing at herself in return. Cassie kind of really fucking loves her, actually.

It's right about now when Lexi realises she thinks she wants to tell her. Hell, if Maddy could handle it (and do much more than 'just handle it', even) then so could her own flesh and blood.

But now isn't the time. _Soon._ But not right now.

Lexi just wants to fucking live a little, you know? Just for now.

Tomorrow's a different day. And there is so, _so_ much to look forward to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> to be continued soon ! we need a LOT more rue up in this B  
been hella busy with work n whatnot but i just started up a twitter bc i need more euphoria friends in my life   
lmao hmu at @rue_stan (https://twitter.com/rue_stan) if u wanna chat lol !


	3. No-Pants-Lex

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alcohol = Bad.  
Talking = Bad.  
_Oh, and fucking pants, Lex!_  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello ! i've been off here for awhile because of hectic work n personal life situations but am back now :))))))  
sorry for the wait. life has been wild lately. more content soon :))))

"Do you think I have a chance with her?" Lexi's own voice sounds far away now. Her words completely slurred. It doesn't even sound like her talking. Wait, is she talking? Is that her voice? She sounds hopeless. She _feels_ hopeless. It must be her.

Also - Maddy's bedroom isn't what Lexi remembered. She's only been here with Cassie before, but never just the two of them. She can't even remember when they got here - or why they left together - or how long they've been talking about**_ her._**

_About Rue._

Lexi sits cross legged with Maddy head in her lap, lying next to her in the bed. Maddy sighs, taking some time to respond. The pause only makes Lexi more disheartened than she already is. Alcohol = bad. Talking = bad.

"Honestly?" She begins, words also slurred. Lexi braces herself for the worst. "I barely know Rue. I just know she like - almost fucking died at least twice for sure. I also know that, for some fucking reason, she was in love with Jules." _Was._ She says 'was'. It's the only thing Lexi can focus on from that sentence. She listens carefully. Not necessarily because she thinks Maddy has the answers, because she probably doesn't, but because she doesn't know what else to say. Also - she's still really, _really_ fucking drunk. The last time she checked her phone it read 1am - but she hasn't checked it for some time now. "I mean, like, yeah - Jules is a fucking - ethereal space goddess, but like-" Lexi closes her eyes as Maddy talks. Yeah. She _knows Jules is_. She's not fucking dumb. She's heard it all before. Jules this, Jules that. Jules has a smile that can light up a room, a voice like velvet and a laugh that embodies warmth - and Lexi can actually agree sometimes. It's just... she's kind of... Lexi can't even explain. Too much alcohol. All she knows is something just doesn't feel right within the Rue and Jules dynamic. An imbalance. Two people who love each other - but _differently_. "-you can be, too, you know." Oh, Maddy's still talking. Lexi opens her eyes and looks at her, confused.

"Huh..? I can be what?" She murmurs.

"I don't know... I forgot already... something about being a bad bitch, probably." Maddy grumbles in response. Lexi snorts with laughter.

"A bad bitch?" She mocks, "How?" She manages to ask through the huffs of laughter.

"For fuck's sake, Lex - can you at least, like, **_try_** to be confident in yourself? For just a fucking second? Honestly, you treat yourself like a fucking - kicked puppy." Maddy's blunt. Honest. Harsh. Difficult. Very, very drunk. But maybe that's the kind of criticism Lexi needs right now. "You let people walk all fucking over you - you never talk about how it makes you feel..." She has a point-

"...and you dress like you were a horse girl in middle school." Okay, maybe a little too harsh.

"Jesus, Maddy that's -"

"What..? It's not my fault you look like a fucking equestrian-" In all honesty, Lexi's more surprised that Maddy knows what the word equestrian means more than anything. But she's feeling down on herself nonetheless.

"Yeah, well.." She turns slightly, letting Maddy's head fall and hit the mattress. "Great talk." She says sarcastically, lifting herself off the bed. Maddy turns onto her stomach and peers up at Lexi challengingly.

"Where do you think you're going?" She asks, sitting up slightly. Lexi shrugs picking up her shoes from the floor.

"I actually have no idea, but - fuck it-" As she begins to put her first shoe on, Maddy raises a very important question.

"So.. what? You're just gonna go outside and wander the night with no fucking pants?"

_Oh... wh-_

Lexi looks down. Her legs are bare except for her underwear and socks. _Fuck... When did... how did...?_

"Where - are my -" She glances around, confused.

"In the wash..? You threw up on them, remember..? I made you clean up and brush your fucking teeth and shit..?" Lexi doesn't remember. "Wait- how fucking drunk are you right now?" Maddy sits to attention.

"I don't know.. wait, in the wash? You're doing laundry for me?" Lexi grumbles in return. Maddy starts shaking her head.

"Yo, Lex - I don't mean to be a cunt - but you are in no state to be going anywhere right now. You're like, _drunk_-drunk. You shouldn't be doing anything on your own." Maddy tells her. And it's fucking true, too. Lexi can tell Maddy is actually concerned for a change, but it doesn't stop her from putting on her shoes.

"Yeah, well - I gotta - I gotta start heading home." She murmurs, losing balance slightly as she attempts to slide the first shoe on.

"No, no, no, no - sis, this is how idiots die - you think you're sober enough to walk home - and you have no idea that you've got no fucking pants on-"

"Mads, I'm not a fucking idiot. I know I'm not sober. AND, I _know_ I don't have any pants on. So, like..." Lexi shrugs, looking at Maddy like she's just absolutely obliterated her logic. Maddy just blinks.

Yeah, no, she's _way_ too drunk.

"Look, just fucking stay the night - seriously - you're gonna end up hurting yourself-"

"Maddy..!" Lexi cuts past her, half-laughing. "Look, I'll.. I'll call an Uber - okay?" She tries to sound convincing - and she's actually doing a pretty good job of it. Maddy stares at her expression, trying to read her.

"You promise?" Maddy asks. Lexi only laughs again.

"Yeah, of course-"

"Because if you fucking die tonight Cassie will literally never speak to me again, you feel me?" Her reasoning may be off - but at least the sentiment is there.

"I'm not gonna fucking die - I promise. I just need.." Lexi sighs, "I need some time to think, alright?" Maddy watches her struggle with the shoe again before heaving herself off the bed. She marches over to her wardrobe, pulling open the doors.

"Just put on some fucking pants before you put your shoes on, Lex, I swear to God." Okay, that's fair. Lexi agrees quietly, and waits for Maddy to return, with a pair of shorts. They're cute.

"Thanks, Maddy." She murmurs quietly. Maddy sits back down on the bed, watching as Lexi puts them on, and starts with the shoe again. Lexi can feel her being watched, but doesn't say anything. She needs to think, but... The only thought on her mind is where she'd rather be right now. And Maddy can tell. As Lexi gets on the first pair of shoes, Maddy opens her mouth to speak.

"Just so you know... I doubt Rue's going to be awake at this time." She tells her softly. Lexi stops in her tracks. There she goes again with the mind-reading. Caught in the act red-handed. Lexi looks up at her slowly. Maddy just rolls her eyes, "Come on, Lex, fucking stop. It's like- almost 3am- just stay over." Lexi hates it when Maddy actually sounds like she cares. She hates it mostly because she - actually kind of likes it. She's a bitch, but she's a nice bitch at that.

"I - just.." Lexi sighs, sitting back down next to her. She stares out the window. The town is so quiet at night. Only two or three lights on in the distance. Sleepy and silent. "I feel like she doesn't even fucking notice me sometimes, you know?" She looks back at Maddy. Now's certainly not the time to cry - _again_ \- so she looks away.

"Then make her fucking notice you." Maddy says as if it's really just that simple. Why is it always so simple for Maddy?

"How?" Lexi responds weakly. The weight on the bed shifts as Maddy drunkenly crawls her way toward her.

"You know what I used to do to make Nate jealous..? Before he turned out to be a huge fucking cunt?"

_"Turned out to be..?"_ Lexi repeats, chuckling. Maddy reaches Lexi's shoulder, turning her to face her. "Maddy, Nate has _always_ been a piece of-" Suddenly Maddy's lips are back on hers again - and her hand - on Lexi's face. She falls silent. Her mind is swimming. How is this happening again? In the same night? She understands the first time but - this? Lexi presses a hand to Maddy's shoulder and gently pushes her away. "Maddy, what are-"

"I'd make him jealous." Maddy responds matter-of-factly. Lexi blinks slowly.

"What?" She murmurs. Is she too drunk to understand this? Is this making sense at all?

"With Nate. I would make him jealous - and then he'd pay attention to me. Be nice to me and shit. Buy me expensive stuff, like-"

"No." Lexi is immediately shaking her head. "No, it doesn't work that way with Rue."

"Lex-"

"Firstly, you and Nate were, like - already in an actual relationship - and a toxic one at that, which is probably why it worked. Rue and I are just friends."

"So?" Maddy just shrugs, peering at Lexi like _she's_ the crazy one when she _isn't._

"So why would she be jealous over someone she's not even interested in..?" It's a valid point. Almost everything Lexi says is a valid point. But Maddy has a way of putting invalid ideas into valid-_sounding_ propositions. Watch.

"And what if this is how you make her interested..? Lex, it worked with Nate-"

"You guys were _toxic-"_

"What- and you two aren't?!" The question forces a sudden silence between them. Lexi's mouth has hovered open to speak - but no words emerge. Maddy sits on her knees, glaring at her.

"I.. I don't think I know what you mea-"

"How many times has Rue showed up at your door unannounced asking you to pee in a fucking bottle?" When she finishes, Lexi goes silent again. The quiet gives Maddy space to start nodding. "Yeah, Cassie knows. She's not fucking stupid, you know." _Fucking Cass._ "And you do it for her every time. Doesn't matter if you're busy - having dinner with your fucking family - or - I don't know - fucking rubbing one out-"

_"Maddy."_ Lexi warns in a low voice.

"-you always do it for her! In sunshine and in fucking rain, Lex! And what does she do for you in return?" Maddy pauses again. She looks as though she's expecting an answer - but she really, _really_ isn't. And Lexi knows this, too. She tries to think of something to say but - _alcohol = bad. Talking = bad_. She feels her eyes start stinging again. I thought we weren't crying anymore tonight? "Face it, Lex." Once again, Maddy's voice brings Lexi back into reality. She's just staring at her - Maddy is. Unwavering. Cold. Seemingly all-knowing. It actually kind of hurts, even. _"You're Rue's bitch."_ Never mind, it really kind of hurts.

"No, I'm not-"

"You are!" Maddy cuts her off. Lexi grows quiet again. Rue's bitch. _Yeah. She is._ If Rue showed up right now, she'd go to her. Fall to her knees for her. Listen to her - clinging onto every word. Obey her. Be her pet.

Is that toxic?

No. No, surely not.

She can't be.

But Maddy is smirking. She can see the wheels turning behind Lexi's eyes. Remember Maddy's invalid ideas? The ones said so confidently they actually _sound_ valid? Even for a moment? She's good at them. Disturbingly good at them. Lexi feels a hand slowly slide it's way onto her knee. Her eyes flicker down.

_"Maddy..."_ Lexi says again, even lower now. Softer. She wonders if she's scared of her. Of Maddy. When she turns her head slightly, her nose is merely centimetres from Maddy's. And she's looking at her_ like that._ Lexi's almost angry. Frustrated. Both emotionally and... _physically..._ "Why are you doing this to me?" She whispers, sounding almost broken. A genuine question. They barely spoke at all before tonight, and now... this...?

Well. Pull up a chair because here's the thing.

Predominantly cis-het girls love a gay girl. They really do. Especially after a drink - or seven - or more.

On another hand - here's the _other_ thing. Nobody has ever looked at Lexi the way Maddy is right now. Not like this. Never like this.

In-the-closet gay girls really _do_ be going through it with the straights.

Maddy's hand swerves slowly down Lexi's inner thigh. It makes her sit up straight, _ironically enough_.

"When are you going to start being your own bitch?" Who knew such a softly spoken question could have such a harsh aftermath?

"I'm not her bitch." Lexi utters again.

"You fucking _are_, Lex. And if you don't-"

Lexi doesn't let her finish. She kisses her. Hard.

She can't explain why. Maybe it's the age old, lonely-closet-gay tale of desperation, or the sheer bitch-intimidation that Maddy radiates, but she does it anyway.

_She is **not** Rue's bitch._

In fact, she's her own bitch. And she's kissing Maddy. Pressing her against the mattress - on top of her - holding her legs around her waist. Women are incredible. They feel incredible. Taste incredible. It's everything a starved-for-content babygay could ask for. And she is very, _very_ embarrassingly starved for content. She can't think straight - quite literally - and she doesn't know why she continues to the point that she does.

Because there is a point. There's always a point. And in this case, it's **_the_** point.

Perhaps it happens sometime after the drawn-out, neck kisses and lovebites - Maddy's teeth dragging delicately across sensitive skin. Or maybe sometime after Maddy pulls her shirt up to her armpits - encouraging Lexi to explore and kiss her breasts - Maddy's hands in her hair - moaning above her.

_A passing thought by Lexi: I love tiddies._

But in all likelihood (and seriousness) it's probably around the time her shorts hit her ankles. With the item now lost to the floor - she feels Maddy's hand pressed against the pulsing sensation at the front of her underwear - that's when Lexi realised...

...Maddy has no idea what she's doing.

And Lexi has no idea what she's doing _with her._

_That's the point._

"Stop..! Stop-" Lexi takes Maddy by her wrist and pulls the hand away from her underwear.

"What - why?" Maddy breathes. Lexi finds herself moving away from her.

"I can't-" She shakes her head. In a second she finds herself off the bed and on her feet.

"What do you mean you can't?" It comes out accusingly. Maddy sits up, breathing heavily, eyes trained on Lexi. She's putting on her shoes. "Lexi, what the fuck are you doing?" She almost laughs, astonished. Offended, even.

"Maddy, this isn't me-" She says honestly.

"It sure felt like you." Maddy teases with a cocked eyebrow.

"Yeah, well, it isn't..!" Lexi stumbles putting on her final shoe. Oh. This again.

"Lex, we've been through this - you're fucking wasted..! Where are you going?" Maddy pulls her shirt back over her breasts, making her way back to the edge of the bed. "To Rue's?"

"I don't know - maybe..!" She's frustrated. Why did she do that? Why the _fuck_ did she do that? She wants Rue. She's only ever wanted Rue. God. The fucking straights. She's already grabbed her bag and is headed for the bedroom door.

"Lex-" Maddy starts. But Lexi's hand is already on the doorknob. "Are you fucking serious right now?" Lexi pauses only for a moment.

"Maddy, I'm sorry. I really am - but you were right." She tells her. Maddy opens her mouth to speak, but once again Lexi cuts past her. "I _**am**_ Rue's bitch." And with that, Lexi pulls open the door, and is storming out. Maddy leans off the bed.

"Fucking pants, Lex..! I was just going to say put on some fucking pants..!" But the door swings shut after her, and Lexi is already too far away. Maddy sits back down. "Anddd she didn't fucking hear me." She sighs, before shaking her head, rolling her eyes, and flopping back down onto her bed.

* * *

Despite all of that, it actually might've been a good idea to let Maddy speak that one last time. Because it's cold out. Like, really cold.

And no-pants-Lex does not appreciate it.

"Fucking pants, Lex..!" She curses to herself, when she's already well into her, very early, morning walk. In all honestly? This isn't the best idea Lexi's ever had. But Rue's place is only about ten minutes from Maddy's. It's a small town. It really isn't a long walk, when you think about it. Especially if you don't think about it at all because you're drunk as fuck.

Also -

how does Jules do it?

Climb this fucking shit? Lexi keeps slipping. It's a slanted set of fucking tiles. Who does this? How does anyone do this? Well. Of course Jules would. Elegant, beautiful, tall, gorgeous Jules. Lexi can't even insult her right.

"Jesus _fucking_ Christ! _Lexi..?"_

When she looks up, now on all fours, holding onto the moss-riddled tiles - that's when she sees her. The sleepy, croaky voice belongs to Rue Bennett. The one and only. And she's glaring through the open window down at Lexi, utterly confused, scared, even.

"What the fuck are you doing? I thought somebody was fucking breaking in and -" She brings her voice back down into a whisper when she notices the, uh... lack of pants. Rue looks her up and down once and frowns, visibly perplexed. "...and why the _fuck_ aren't you wearing pants?!" Yikes. Lexi finds herself almost unable to speak for a moment. Because even after just being woken up in the middle of the night, under the impression she's being robbed, Rue still looks so fucking beautiful. Breathtaking. That's when Lexi watches Rue's expression change before her eyes. Under the moonlight, Rue notices the smeared makeup and the streaks of tears on Lexi's cheeks.

"I.. I was just.." Lexi begins. Before she can finish, Rue is already leaning out the window with a hand outstretched towards her.

"Come on, Lex-" She urges softly. Her name sounds so much warmer from Rue's mouth. Much warmer than... God, she can't even _think_ about Maddy right now. _She should have never trusted her._ She takes Rue's strong hand, allowing herself to be led up the rooftop. She helps her through the window, too, holding onto the back of Lexi's shirt to help her balance. It's then - when they're close enough - when Rue catches something. A smell. So strong that it stuns her, and she immediately turns her head. "Yo, have you, uh.. have you been drinking?" Yikes x 2. Lexi didn't even think about that part on her way over. She thought about it earlier, but not.. Fuck. Not now. Her heart sinks.

"I'm sorry," she says immediately. Rue's hand, still knotted in the fabric of her shirt, loosens slightly, placing her palm flat against her back. "I shouldn't have been - I don't know why I did it-" Yes, you do.

"Lex-"

"I know this isn't what you need right now, and trust me I really regr-"

"-Lexi." Rue says much firmer. "It's fine. No more talking." Oh... Lexi now feels Rue's hands cupping her face. Yes, ma'am. No more talking from Lexi, ma'am. "I'm not some delicate fucking basket case that's going to lose their shit just because you've had a couple of drinks. You're allowed to have fun, y'know." Rue tells her. The hands leave her face. No, ma'am. Please, ma'am, please keep them there. Rue sighs and looks down at Lexi's bare legs. Then back up at her face. Lexi clears her throat, and tries moving her bag in front to cover her underwear. It's highly ineffective. "Lex," She breathes, "Seriously.. where's your fucking-"

"- don't ask -"

"- okay -" Rue quickly shuts up and nods. This prompts a moment of silence for the fallen comrade; formerly known as 'wearing pants'. Lexi looks up at the ceiling slightly, she feels a sharp sting of regret right in the pit of her stomach. She should tell her. About Maddy.

"I need to-"

"I'll get you something.. to wear.. okay?" Rue murmurs, cutting past her.

"Okay.." She replies quietly. "Thank you." She adds quickly, just as Rue heads over to her wardrobe. Lexi looks around at Rue's room. It's actually cleaner than usual. Which is a good sign - the messier Rue's room is the more worried Lexi gets. She hopes to fucking God Rue has stayed clean. The state of her room is leading Lexi to believe she has.

"Here." Rue reappears with a pair of her own baggy shorts. They're not fitted, or stylish like Maddy's. But they're hers. And Lexi already loves them.

"Thank you." She says again.

"Yeah, you said that. It's cool, don't worry about it." Rue grins slightly. Lexi returns the smile, setting her bag down. Rue sits on the edge of her bed as Lexi starts to put the shorts on. Lexi feels her cheeks starting to burn under Rue's gaze. But unlike Maddy - Rue immediately and respectfully diverts her eyes to the floor. "So.." She begins. Lexi's balance is terrible, leaning against the wall as she gets the shorts on. Jesus, alcohol really does fucking suck. "What were you, uh.. up to tonight?" Rue asks slowly. "I mean, it's like.." She checks her phone, "4am." When she says this, Lexi can feel herself wincing.

"Sorry." She cringes. Rue just smiles sleepily. _Politely._

"It's alright." She tells her. It isn't. Or, at least, Lexi feels like it isn't. Rue just sighs, laying back on the bed. Uh-oh. Laying down. Rue's laying down. God, she looks so - Lexi's throat instinctively tightens._ Not now, gay thoughts. Come on, we've been through this._ "Pretty sure I've woken you up around this time like, more than once. Repeatedly." Rue looks up at her, "With like, totally batshit conspiracies and like... I don't know.. demanding favours." No, not this. Why would she bring this up? Rue never brings this up. But it's like Maddy said... she's her bitch. Lexi forces herself not to think about it. Anyways - 'demanding' isn't the right word.

"You don't... demand anything of me, you know that, right?" Lexi says softly, making her way over to her. She sits on the edge of the bed, up straight and legs folded. Rue grins slightly, but it isn't authentic.

"Yeah, I do." The smile fades quicker than it arrived. "I do all the fucking time, Lex. Well at least, I did. But.." She starts shaking her head. "I'm not going to do that anymore.. I promise." The sincerity in her voice makes Lexi weak.

"I did everything willingly, Rue. You know that." It's true. It's so fucking true. And she'd do it all again for her, too. Rue smiles sweetly. Weakly. She props herself upon an elbow, gazing up at Lexi.

"Did you have fun?" She asks suddenly. Lexi is confused, but only briefly.

"What..? Oh," then she grins slightly, and shrugs. "I don't know. It was fun for a bit, but then..." ...but then she decided to go to Maddy's. They talked about you. Maddy almost - almost - seduced her with her queen-bitch-straight-girl magic. She had her tits in her mouth - "then, uh-" Lexi clears her throat, "I don't know. It got.. weird... I didn't like it..." Be cool, Lex. She tries to relax herself down onto the bed, mimicking Rue by leaning down on one elbow.

"How weird?" Rue asks. Very, very weird. Lexi feels some heat building at her neck and cheeks.

"Oh, you know... just... regular weird. I think." Nope - it was very, very weird. Uncomfortable. Almost malicious. Desperate. But... it's almost forgotten - here - on Rue's bed. Moonlight wafting through the venetian blinds, streaking across Rue's features in the bedsheets. Lexi swallows hard. "How have you, uh.. been..?" She asks quietly. Before Rue can reply, another sentence comes tumbling out of her mouth. "I miss you. Well, I - I've been missing you. But, you know... now I'm here, so.." Smooth. Incredibly smooth. Rue smiles warmly, and she reaches for Lexi's hand. She touches it softly. Kindly. Lovingly. Rubbing her thumb against her knuckles. Lexi on hand eagerly turns to grip Rue's hand in return. Her own lips twitch slightly, trying her very best not to smile too widely. That's how you scare people, Lex. Being too eager. Too forward.

"I'm doing okay. I've missed you too." Rue's response is feeble, but at least it's honest. She's tired. She's _been_ tired. Probably even since birth. But she looks so comforting. And comfortable. Laying there, looking back at her. Even when she's sleepy and worn out. Lexi just smiles. It feels so right. She reaches over and pushes a strand of hair out of Rue's face. Rue lets her, even though, it secretly does catch her off guard a bit. They aren't usually intimate like this. Not always. Not lately. But they used to be. Lexi lets her hand rest her, on Rue's cheek, only ever-so gently ghosting across her skin.

"God.." Lexi can't help herself. It comes out, barely even a whisper. Rue's lips curl up to form a nervous smile.

"What..?" She murmurs in return. Lexi's eyes look as though they're almost glistening under the moonlight. Not from tears, not that she's about to cry from sadness, but - just... There's something, dwelling inside her. Rue can feel it. She can see it. "Is everything alright?" She asks cautiously, still speaking quietly. Lexi slides her hand off of Rue's face and back onto the sheets. She finds her eyes wandering off to the space between them.

"I've just... I've really, really missed you, Rue..." She says softly.

"Yeah, I know, you - you said that already." Rue chuckles slightly, still hushed. She's trying to read her, but Lexi's keeping her guard up. Trying to, at least. She won't meet Rue's eyes again.

"No, but like... it's different this time." Lexi tells her. Actually, it isn't. It's pretty much the same as all times. Only, now she's sure. She's really sure. Especially now, laying next to her in the dimly lit, quiet room. Crickets humming through the night breeze, winds gently rolling against the windows around them. She's so sure. She's never been this sure in her life.

"Why?" Rue whispers. She nudges a finger against Lexi's hand again. She carefully scratches the top of her knuckles with her index. The movement is so small and cute, Lexi finds herself unable to suppress the shy smile and subtle blush that swiftly follows. _Why._ The short question has a never-ending, inexplicable answer. All Lexi knows is that staring at Rue like this, feeling her vulnerability through her gaze again, it's truly reminding her of why she came here tonight. To take it slow. Take it easy. It's what she deserves. She takes Rue's hand, and presses a kiss to her knuckles. Rue is once again slightly caught off-guard by all this, and opens her mouth to speak. "Lex-"

"I should let you sleep." Lexi cuts past her. She props herself back up and Rue quickly follows, glancing up at her. "Come on." She encourages quietly, urging Rue up the bed. They both make their way up together, and into the sheets. Rue can feel her heart starting to pound. The motion reminds her... it reminds her a little too much of her. Of Jules. And her heart is still hurting. Not as much as it did since it happened - since she left - but it still aches. And Lexi can see it. "Here," Lexi pulls the sheets over them. She finds herself reaching out to Rue, to hold her. Rue isn't sure why at the time, but she allows it. No, she leans into it. Lifting her head so that Lexi can slide an arm beneath it. She feels the arm curl behind her - and the warmth is so comforting - so inviting. She brings herself forward, resting her forehead in Lexi's shoulder, chin settling on her chest.

Lexi is warm - and Rue has been feeling so cold lately.

Now both of Lexi's arms are around her, wrapping her away protectively. Shielding her. It feels nice, for a change. Rue's hands find Lexi's body, too. And Lexi has to stop herself from shuddering at the contact. Rue's hands - pressing against her - holding her back in return. They're cuddling. They're really fucking cuddling. Lexi places her chin on top of Rue's head, with one arm protecting it and her fingers in her hair. Her other hand finds one of Rue's - resting over her chest - and she holds it. She intertwines their fingers. Rue shuts her eyes, clutching back, tightly, squeezing. It's nice to be held. It's nice to feel wanted. Appreciated. Safe. She feels Lexi's lips on top of her head. They press against her hair gently, but for a long time. And then soon the pressure is gone, but Rue can feel her breath still - and knows those lips will remain near. It feels so easy. So carefree.

Rue doesn't know why she cries that night, right there, but she does. At some point, they just fall, onto Lexi's chest. When Lexi feels the tears drop, she looks down, realising what's happening - eyes widening in horror.

"Rue..? Did I-"

"No." Rue answers quickly, meeting her bewildered gaze. "No, you've done nothing wrong. It's just..."_ It's been awhile since she's been held like this. Properly._ She hadn't even slept like this with Jules since... well. Rue sighs. A long time. Rue turns away and curls back into Lexi. Lexi is quick to hold her back against her - cradling her - protecting her - shielding her. She needs to. She doesn't want anything - _anything_ to happen to her. Never again.

"I know." Lexi whispers. She needs time. "I know." She says again. Rue shuts her eyes tightly, letting herself be held in Lexi's warm, kind embrace - softly stroking each other's skin in return. "I'm here for you, Rue." Lexi tells her, almost shutting her eyes. Rue always smells good. To Lexi, at least. Even when Rue has a depressive episode and smells like unwashed sneakers - she loves it. Because it's her. And at the end of the day, she loves, well... her.

"You've always been here for me, Lex." She murmurs into Lexi's chest. Lexi tries her best not to smile - she's almost afraid Rue will be able to feel it against her. Lexi doesn't want to bring it up, but she can't stop herself from saying-

"I'll never leave you. I promise." There's a lot of promises going around tonight. The phrase stings slightly, but Rue knows Lexi has no ill-intentions. She thinks about Jules' face on the train as it sped away from the platform. No. No more time for that. Not now. Rue squeezes Lexi tighter. Lexi reciprocates it.

Must. Protect.

"Good." Rue whispers against her, "I need you." The phrase is so tiny. Rue does not ask for help like this. Piss in a Tylenol bottle? Sure. Admit to needing people around her? Not always, no. Lexi savours the moment, and cradles Rue's head and hands some more. She will not let go. She can't. Not while she's still awake, at least. She'd never forgive herself.

They stay like that.

Lexi holds her until they fall asleep.

It's a small bubble of security.

If only tomorrow could be like this, too.

But it won't be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *stares at maddy as dramatic tones play*  
eheheheheheheheeh why am i like this lol


End file.
